


Fuck off, Wade Wilson!

by Mother_of_Pearl



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Marvel, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: Bottom Peter Parker, Bottom Peter Parker/Top Wade Wilson, M/M, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Spideypool - Freeform, Spideypool Family, Wade Wilson Breaking the Fourth Wall, Wade Wilson Likes Peter Parker's Butt, Wade Wilson Needs A Hug, spidermanxdeadpool - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2019-05-20 23:32:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14904288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mother_of_Pearl/pseuds/Mother_of_Pearl
Summary: {I'm bored..... come one, were gonna make the introduction!}[You're fucking right there. I hate to be ignored. Welcome to the 168392th Spidey-gets-fucked-by-pool fanfiction.]{Did you count them?}[No I guessed.]Woah easy, kids! I never promised you smut in there!!{Are you fucking kidding us?!}[Laaaame try. U rated this fic "mature". So I'm going to go for Spidey-Pies beautiful butt. Wanna join me?]{Of course!}Wait where are you going? Hey! Yellow! White! ... oh geez, those two are such a handful...Whatever back to the topic. This is my first Spideypool ff so please be easy on me... Peter is meeting someone new in NYC. Red suit, bad jokes, lil bit of sexual harassment regarding Peter and Chimichangas. And of course his infamous companions White and Yellow. Those three have a job in New York and little Peter stumbles right into it without knowing. Fortunately Wade is always looking out for him. And his butt, of course... Some Stony might sneak into this as well... who knows? Steve is the mature one. Tony is being overprotective...Enjoy! ♡





	1. Everything began with a burrito...

(Ok guys, I'd have never thought that I'd ever talk to the audience like that… seriously be careful who you become friends with. This can turn out shit so easily, I know what I'm talking about…)

(Aw sweetums, don't be mean, u know I can hear ya?)

(Wade shut the fuck up! I wasn't talking with you anyway! Why are you even here? I'm talking to those guys right now, so get lost. And you people better look away, please...? Ah Wade, hands off…! Not now…)

(Yeah, yeah he's right! Shoo, shoo… What's gonna happen now is not meant for little peeping Toms…)

 

It was a rather quiet day.  
The setting sun was shining warm upon the city and the daily noises were monotonous as always. Everything seemed just fine.  
The faint wind that came from the sea, blew through the skyscraper canyons and whirled up some leaves and dust. The breeze was pleasingly cooling on the way too hot spandex upon his skin.

Peter was sitting on a rooftop and dangled his legs over the edge, fascinated he examined the insides of his half-eaten burrito. The spicy sauce was larded with garlic. Aunt May would have killed him for sure it he were to eat this in her kitchen. Delightful he took a bite of his dinner. His mask was pushed up to his nose so he could eat, without biting into it.

The minutes passed and suddenly something else was more interesting than his evening snack.  
Normal people wouldn't have noticed the faint and faraway noises. A crash, screams and curses. A traffic accident? But there were no sirens or flashing lights.

Hastily he put his leftovers into his backpack, together with the newspaper he had read. With casual movements he fixated his belongings with a small web to a ventilation shaft. Who would bother to steal a half-eaten burrito and a journal. Hopefully the upcoming situation would be easily solved.

He took a short run-up and then his slender figure was swiftly swinging through the city of New York, only held by a thin strand of web.

Pointed fingers and amazed eyes followed him as he sped up. A child keenly shouted: “Look, mommy! Isn't that Spider-Man?”  
Peter smirked beneath his mask. A couple of years ago this could have been him, when he saw Iron Man flying above him for the first time.

Karen (he felt bad calling her Suit Lady all the time) was supporting him tirelessly and Peter cherished her and his rather unspectacular super hero life. The training sessions with Mr. Stark and Captain America were really exciting and informative, though he was relieved that he didn't have to deal with their caliber of scary enemies in his daily routine.

It took Peter only a few moments to find the source of the racket. His sharpened senses were tingling, as he tiptoed into the murky alley. The orange light of the sunset didn't reach this place. Knocked down trash barrels, broken windows and what not, were laying around.

Pained cries and noises of an unequal fight were audible. They seemed to come out of the entrance of an old and partly destroyed red brick building.

Carefully he sneaked there. He squeezed against the dirty walls of the alley. Suddenly without warning a bloodcurdling scream resounded from the inside of the building. Our young hero flinched and suppressed his urge to barge in. Centimeter for centimeter he silently reached the entrance and peeked into the room. It seemed to be an old and forgotten repair shop for cars. Dirt, graffiti and apparently 7 corpses were laying around in the empty room. He bit his tongue to hold back his startled voice. He had to test the water before jumping in, though he already could tell that this was not just a regular quarrel of little shoplifters.

A whimpering and unshaven man, with a more than cheap looking suit, was sitting on the ground and a sharp blade was stuck in his right thigh. With shivering and bleeding fingers he desperately tried to pull it out. Blood ran over his face.

“Shoo, shoo, my friend, wouldn't do that if I were ya...”  
Kindly a foreign voice warned him, though perverse delight was clearly mixed in it.

The wet sound of breaking bones and tearing tendons ripped the air as a second sword was pierced through the left thigh of the unknown man. Once again his screams made Peter twitch.

The assailant yawned bored and scratched his red dressed butt.  
“Finished ur dumb screamin' lil' pussy? I've got more important stuff to do than beatin' up ur fucked up ass. Stores are closing down soon and I still gotta go 'n' fetch the new issue of Shounen Jump. There are coupons for the new Polverine series in there.” The dark voice of the man became delighted, almost childish.

“So, let's get back to business. It's nothing personal, reaaaally! I know u don't believe right now, but look at this.”

The ominous red dressed man was holding a small gold-colored card right in front of the dying mans nose.

“Can't read anything anymore, because of ur stupid whining, huh? Can you even read? Are u an analphabet? Who cares, so look what's written here, uncle's gonna read it aloud for u: Patrick Lane… Ever heard that name? No? Aaaaah would have claimed the same.”

The assassin pulled out the sword of the whimpering mans thigh, just to ram it back into the flesh. The third loud scream faded away just like the others, unnoticed by the public.

Peter watched the scenery frozen in shock. What was he supposed to do? At this rate, it was extreme unlikely that the on the ground sitting man would survive his heavy injuries. At the border of unconsciousness the mans eyes strayed over Peter peeking in. Their eye contact lasted only a heartbeat, but the red dressed attacker noticed it immediately.

“Ahhh well… You are useless anyway. Maybe I could make some money out of selling ur organs.”, he pitied himself. Peter still hasn't been able to catch a glimpse of the face of the man. With smooth movements he pulled out the blades of his target. Blood splattered on the ground and only a heartbeat later the disembodied head of the unshaven man rolled right in front of Peters toes.

Peters heart stopped for a moment and he had to suppress the urge to gag as a small puddle of blood formed itself. Startled he jumped upon the wall to avoid stepping into the warm fluid.  
The dangerous man came out of the building in no time and without opportunity to react, Peter found himself surrounded by bloodstained blades on his neck and the red and black masked face of the assassin right in front on his own.

White eye slits examined him. The suit of the foreign man was packed full with weapons and holsters, patched bullet holes were visible.

“Okay, kid.” began the man with the deep voice slowly. “First: If u wanna play the lil' voyeur, got to the peeping show around the corner. They've got really good chicks in there. Second: Are u hanging on the wall? Really? Goddamn, that's so cool! How're ya doin' that?” The man lost all seriousness in his voice, he sounded like a little boy seeing a real airplane for the first time. Peter was way too dumbfounded to give the man an answer.

“Oh, and last but not least:” his voice gained back a frightening tone.  
Peter was nervous, his heart was beating hard in his chest. If the strange man made one little movement with his blades, his head would be falling to the ground to greet the other beheaded man.  
“Where did you get that burrito? I can smell you 50m against the wind. You've got a fuckin' garlic flag, and I'm starving as hell.”


	2. Burrito for the win

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello guys, welcome back to the next chapter!  
> I'm gonna introduce Yellow and White to you: This is {Yellow} and this is [White].  
> {Hey, party people!}  
> ['sup?]  
> Those two are DPs... well... companions? Or boxes? Yellow seems to be the more girly one and White is a dick most of the time.  
> [I can hear you, asshat...]  
> It's their first appearance in this story. I hope you have a lot of fun with them as they are always arguing with DP. Poor Wade...  
> {Arguing? We wouldn't dare to.}  
> Feigning ignorance isn't helping.  
> [Shut the fuck up and get to the point why we're here, wasting our precious time.]  
> {Yeah, he's right! I wanna go back to Spidey! The cutie is probably already missing us!}  
> [By the way, taling about Spidey Pie... Can't we just skip the needless babbling and go straight to the sex scenes?]  
> Hey, White! Watch your mouth or I'm gonna cut you short in the next chapter. Also I never promised you to get your sex scenes!  
> {You rated this story with "Mature"...}  
> [Well spoken, Yellow.]  
> {Thanks, darling.}  
> ... Fuck...  
> [Watch your mouth!]  
> .......  
> Let's get back to the story, before this is getting out of hand... *whispers* those two are such a handful, I tell you...

“Holy moly, that's angelfuckin' awesome...” Wade munched, his mask pulled up to his nose and his mouth stuffed full with the probably deathliest garlic Burrito one could imagine. “Who would have ever thought that u can eat a chimichanga without deep-frying it?!”

The weak evening sun shone upon his scarred skin on his exposed face. Dangling his legs over the edge, Wade sat on a fire ladder and watched the streets beneath him. Lost in thoughts he fumbled at the pockets on his suits belt and found what he was looking for. A small golden card with black letters on it.

>>Patrick Lane<<

All hell had broken loose, when he went to St. Margaret's to get his new goldcard and the task, a few days ago. None of the pussies wanted to take over the mission to get rid of Lane, that lil' motherfucker. Wade wasn't a picky eater nor a picky merc. Killing Lane would probably be amusing and get him enough money to pay his next rent. He hadn't been to New York for like ages, as well. How funny, he came back to NYC, not to meet a chick, but to blow the shitty brains out of a pedophile candyman.  
Well, still too bad the lil' ladybug dichted him. Would have been nice to have some company for dinner.

{Hahaha “lady”-bug… though it was a guy.}

[Laaaaame.]

Wade sighed.

{Who would want to eat with us anyway?}

[We look like a nine days old, rotten gyros…]

Wade sighed again. Though a suggestive undertone clearly audible.  
“Did u see that sexy booty stuffed into that cramped fullbody-condom?”

[That tasty butt was best filet steak quality.]

Wade would keep his ears open to find out who that lil' bug was. A moving red spandex suit surely caught the attention of the curious as fuck people.

{Not to forget the big spider on his back.}

[Not really discreet.}

{Why do u paint a spider on your back anyway? Why not a unicorn or a fairy?}

[Stop it, would ya?]

Wade thought back. The skinny shrimp had been slippery like lube, though he only reached up to Wades shoulders, standing straight. The dwarf would completely vanish behind Wade, if he was to stand right before him. He laughed into his burrito thinking about their size differences.

{Laughing or eating. Not both, that's disgusting.}

Wade had dragged the youngling along with him, just like a cat in heat he grabbed him at his neck, 'til he showed him where to get his food. Though Wade had been a goddamn idiot for letting go of the boys neck as he had reached out to get his burrito. The skinny bug ran off right that second. With a longing look in his eyes, Wade had watched as the alluring butt vanished behind the next corner…

{...only watched, without butt! Seriously, I didn't say butt, why would I say butt? Did I say butt?!…}

[Yeah, you said butt… like 5 times? 6, counting mine in.]

{Ah well, who cares. This story has a +18 rating after all.}

“Business before pleasure, at least once in my live.” Wade interrupted the boxes. Groaning he stood up, taking it slow, he just finished eating after all. Old man cannot run anymore.

{Fuck. You… “old man”?!}

[“Old man”, my ass.]

Leisurely he brushed the crumbs of his suit and put his mask back in place. Wade decided to first finish off the godforsaken children-fucker and right after that he would go and search for the tingly wall-crawler to free him from unnecessary fabric.

{Mask! We're talkin' 'bout the mask!}

[What the hell? Did you think we're making a fuck film by the way to finance the additional expenses?]

{We would never do something like that!}

[… we're too old for that shit!]

{… that was long ago! All of the tapes are already deleted, no use to google it!}

Wade was already back to dreaming about seeing the cutie pie again. Happily humming, he jumped down the stairs of the fire ladder right back into the darkness of New York Citys underworld, where he came from.

-

The doors of the elevator slid together silently, the boring music filled the small space. Peter was fidgeting and walked back and forth in the little room, kneading his sweaty fingers, impatient waiting to arrive at the 29th floor of the Avengers Tower in New York City. Finally after a small eternity the faint chime slowly opened the doors again and Peter squeezed himself out.

“Mr. Stark!” Peter yelled and pulled his Spider-Man mask off, while running into the big room. “Mr. Stark! Sir, are you there somewhere?”

Hectically he jumped through one room into the next, avoiding the expensive technology and sheets of paper that were laying around.

“Hello, Peter. It is nice to see you again.” A slightly British female voice arose out of nowhere.

“F.R.I.D.A.Y.? Is that you?” Peter looked around. “Where's Mr. Stark? I gotta tell him something really important!”

“Mr. Stark has a meeting with Captain Rogers at the moment. Shall I inform him, that you tried to reach him?” The interface said monotone.

“No, I can't go now!” Peter tried to explain hastily. “There's a maniac who beheaded someone and the he dragged me with him and… I have to tell Mr. Stark or something might happen, I just know that something is going to happen!”

“What's going to happen?” A man appeared behind Peter.

Peter spun around. Right now the glass doors opened and Tony Stark stood in the doorway, hands leisurely in his pockets. Steve Rogers was right behind him. Both of them looked amused at him, as he tried to argue with an AI.

“Mr. Stark! Captain Rogers!” Peters mood lifted as he saw them. Flustered he jumped to where they appeared. “Sir, I was patrolling the city and there was a screaming. I put away the burrito and then there suddenly was a beheaded man and another man almost killed me and I couldn't eat at home, 'cause aunt May would've killed me and-”

“Stop it, stop it, stop it. Hold your horses, too much weird information at once.” Stark interrupted Peters babbling. He waved his hand in front of his face. “Try again, youngster. Though, skip the part with the burrito, I can clearly smell it.”

Rogers grinned at the sight of their hilarious faces. He could smell the garlic as well.

Peter drew a deep breath, stepped back and tried to get his thoughts in order, so he wouldn't mess it up again.

“I've been patrolling.”

“Noted.”

“There was a strange noise.”

“Continue.”

“I went there to control what was happening. Well… Because, I'm… You know… Friendly neighborhood Spider-Man?”

“Ok.”

“An old building. A lot of corpses. A gangster getting questioned by another guy, who had a card with a name.”

Stark crossed his arms in front of his chest, right upon his arc reactor, covering the small light. Wary he furrowed his brows, saying nothing. Captain Rogers was the same.

“The guy with the strange suit, that looks almost like mine, killed the gangster. He just beheaded him, and his head was right in front of me! That was so disgusting! Then that jerk used his bloodstained swords to threaten me! But somehow he was distracted by the burrito and when he wasn't paying attention I ran off!” Peter babbled again, his arms wildly gesturing over his head.

Mr. Stark and the Captain watched his weird story silently and after a few heartbeats, Rogers broke the silence.

“First, take your hands down and recover your breath.” He put his hands on Peters shoulders and smiled upon the boy who was way shorter than him. “Tell us how the man had looked like and we will try to find him within our database.”

Tony sighed but followed them to the big glass table in the middle of the room. Peter was talented at babbling and going on his nerves with his teenage issues. Most likely the foreigner had been a small-time criminal with two daggers and the rest of the story was Peters imagination. Still he would listen to his explanations and after that he would sent the student home to his aunts place. Some chewing gum should be in the kitchen, to fight the garlic flag.

“Well, the guy was pretty tall and really strong, just like you, Mr. Rogers.” Peter started. The Captain could restrain smirking at the compliment. “But I don't know how he really looks like. He wore a black and red suit, from head to toe. Only his eyes were white. And he had two Katana on his back...”

Steve glanced at Tony. Tony watched Peter. After a moment of silence, Peter added something to his description.

“He had bullet holes all over his suit. And he had a gold-colored card with a name written on it, though I couldn't read it. He mentioned the murder was not something personal.” Peters brown eyes switched between Iron Man and Captain America.

“Fuck!” Tony snorted out of nothing. “F.R.I.D.A.Y., did you listen?”

“Of course, Sir.” The A.I. answered immediately. “How may I be of help?”

“Show me all of the data we got about the mutant from Vancouver.” Tony ordered. Annoyance clearly audible in his dark voice. “I hope I'm wrong. Though I'm never wrong.”

“Tony, language!” Steve interrupted him.

“Cap, keep it cool. That wasn't an insult, it was the truth.”

At the same moment, videos, pictures and information appeared in front of them. Brutal fighting scenes were displayed and the ominous red and black suited man always in the middle of all the chaos.

“Please do me the favor and tell me that I'm wrong.” Tony sighed, glancing at Peter. But the boy jumped to his feet, pointing at the videos.

“That's the guy! I'm sure, Mr. Stark! Who is that freak?”

Tony ruffled his dark hair, mumbling a course so Steve wouldn't hear him. His bad mood was more than obvious as he leaned back into his seat and kneaded his temples.

“That's Deadpool...”


End file.
